The Joke list

It all began innocently enough. Someone wanted to send me a picture. I’m usually so smart about these things. I usually only give out my hotmail address; however with pictures…sometimes they are too large for hotmail. So I gave out my personal address. The person even joked, “I won’t send you too many jokes.”

Famous last words. They started slowly; a one liner here, a picture there. Now I like a good joke as much as the next guy. But if I am away on business, the sheer volume clogs my personal address to the point is no longer useful.

What do you? I mean you can’t really ask to be taken off the list. Well you could, but that would crush the guy. I mean he obviously lives for this. He never even asked if I wanted to be on his list…it is like he was just looking for email address like some spammer. Every now and then, he sends out an e mail apologizing that he is going on a trip and he won’t be able to give us our normal supply of jokes. (I wonder how many others are cheering).

I need a new kind of spam filter. One that deletes any urban legends, any feel good story that ends with, “send this to as many people as you know” or, “send this to 10 people in the next 10 minuets...don’t break the chain!” I need it to get rid of all the jokes I have heard too many times to count (unless they are really good ones that I like reading a second time). However, this filter needs to let through all the funny, dirty jokes…especially ones with pictures.

Well I have to go; I’m in the middle of reading this e mail about a guy who woke up in a bathtub full of ice with a note about his kidney…..

The Gadget gods are against me

Well it all started when I dropped my sunglasses at the SciTech children’s museum. They survived the fall, but were later trampled by a hundred 3 year olds. I guess sunglasses are not really a gadget, but it was a sign of things to come.

Shortly after that my watch started acting up. It is a great TAG watch that doesn’t need a
Battery, but it wasn’t keeping time. Then my MP3 player only worked intermittently. Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than going running and having your music source stop about half way through. I tried bringing a radio on my run, but that just wasn’t the same. Later my Ike (my Ipaq…(I know I have a problem with naming objects)) hard reset on me for no reason. I had to sped hours getting it back the way it was.

There have been other examples, but the point is ‘The Gadget gods are against me.’ Now instead of spending money to get new toys; I have to spend just to replace or fix. And I am spending to replace perfectly good stuff. Those sunglasses that I had were fine. My watch is costing a pretty penny to fix it and it is a great watch (not one I can afford or even want to replace). The MP3 player is just going to have to wait until I can afford to do something about it.

My take is that the Gadget gods are just hurting themselves. Now that I’m stuck in catch up mode…it is going to talk awhile until I am cutting edge again.

My groin is a punching bag

Do you remember when you were little and you would run across the room so that you could jump onto your Dad’s lap yelling “Daddy!” You would be so excited, only to have Dad double over in pain clutching his groin. Your immediate reaction was, “I didn’t do any thing” or “I didn’t hit you that hard.”

Well now I know what it is like to be Dad. It is amazing how much of a bulls eye is painted on my groin. When holding Ainsley her foot is at the perfect kicking position. When lying down, her foot always seems to find my groin. When sitting down, a climbing step is located…you guessed it.

My only guess is that she I smarter than we thought. She knows that if we have another child that she won’t be as spoiled and she is trying to cut it off at the source.

Concert on the Green

:: SEVEN SHARP NINE ::
Last night we went to see 7 sharp 9 play on the Smryna Village Green. We packed a cooler, got some sandwiches from Quizno's then set up a blanket for Ainsley and a few chairs for ourselves. The music was great...they are a cover band that we first saw play at Padriac's on St. Patty's Day. Not to mention Ains had a great time dancing and watching the jugglers. I did manage to offend a fireman by telling Ainsley the he was a police man (it's not like his uniform made it obvious), but we did stop by their fire truck on the way out so Ains could see it. She kept asking them for a ride ("ride...ride...rde"), but settled for a fire chief hat.

hangover ('ha[ng]-"O-v&r)

Merriam-Webster online:
1 : something (as a surviving custom) that remains from what is past
2 a : disagreeable physical effects following heavy consumption of alcohol or the use of drugs b : a letdown following great excitement or excess

I’ve come to the conclusion that hangovers have as much to do with eating as they do drinking. I mean there are plenty of times you have a lot to drink but don’t get a hangover. However, that one time you don’t get much to eat…Bingo.

Last night I had plenty to eat…it’s just that the food arrived after my buzz did. On the bright side Ainsley was pretty good at the restaurant for about 45 solid minuets….of course the food didn’t get there for an hour. Then we proceeded to have more beers with the neighbors on Deckzilla, which didn’t help matters much.

I can’t decide who is suffering worse, Sheryl, for having to listen to last nights snoring (not to mention coming home to a messy house (see for info on that) or me. And of course Ainsley has a sixth sense about these things (“I see hung-over people”) and has decided to be more rambunctious than normal. Somewhere throughout the course of the day she has discovered that if you unwrap things there may be candy inside. So far she has had a lollypop, some chocolate and there was a near miss with some cough drops.

Well off to pound some water and prep for the Horse Race…I’m just rooting for a triple crow shot now.

Ehlersism # 105

Mission Accomplished!! 

Real Men Can’t Sew

Well at least this one can’t. It is pretty sad actually. It’s like those stories you hear about people who go through life unable to read and no one knows about it. They do little things like ask strangers what something says because they ‘forgot their glasses’ or memorize pictures and such. I’m the same way, I try to ‘re-dry clean’ shirts with the button missing, hoping that the drycleaner will attend to the missing button. Or I just avoid wearing the clothing all together.

That is what I did with my shorts. I mean they were great shorts, somewhat new, fit great, good style. And there they would sit, in the closet while lesser shorts (with all of their buttons) would get used often. Occasionally I would take them out and set them on the bathroom counter with the idea I would sew a button on to them. Who was I kidding? What I really wanted was for Sheryl to finally fix them for me. I mean she is no seamstress either, but she has got to be better than me. After all, she learned from her mother, the person for who (both of us) line up clothes with missing buttons for her to fix when she visits.

Well what do they say about your fears…face them head on. So today I attempted to sew a button on my shorts. I searched the house high and low for the tools. We have no sewing room…or even a sewing drawer for that matter. That was about the time when I started to think about brining the shorts to the tailors to get fixed (and it wouldn’t be the last). But I finally found a little box with thread and needles and even a button that looked to match. So I threaded and tied a knot then put the needle into the shorts, through the button….and right out the other side. I guess I need a bigger knot. Then I looked at button in back (the one for the pocket) for reference, I mean I didn’t even know if I should crisscross or box (crisscross for this pair). You don’t even want to see what the back looks like (loops and holes so far away from the center of the center you wonder how they reach). But the Button is on, and the sad thing is I was so proud that I would be able to wear my shorts again: you would think I sewed the whole pair. BTW I also leaned what a thimble is for…my thumb is sore.

Ehlersism # 104

Nipple bleed will get you

I thought it was just because I was a bit chubby that I got it, apparently though it happens to a lot of folks. I remember seeing Pete Sampras get it during a Tennis match and during the NCAA Tourney this year I saw a player get it. But mostly it affects us runners.

For those of going eeeewww right now, I’ll explain. If you go running enough, the nipple bleed will get you. It happens when your shirt gets wet then becomes like sand paper to your nipples. If you go watch a marathon and see a bunch of guys with tape over their nipps when they take off their shirt, they learned the hard way. Even worse are the guys who pass by with a red splotch on their shirt. It’s strange because when it happens, it doesn’t even hurt at the time…it’s later that you feel the pain.

I have tried a few remedies such as Vaseline or liquid band aids (expensive). I even have a bunch of shirts with weird stains on them (they never look red after a wash) when I forget to do something. The best method is putting medical tape on before going running. This is a pain though and it hurts when you take them off (hint: take it off while showering). Not to mention Sheryl always laughs at me when I put it on.

So I guess I will just have to accept the fact that “Nipple bleed will get you.” Peachtree Road Race here I come.

I’m in love with Maggie.

Yes there is another woman in the Ehlers house hold (as if Sheryl and Ainsley didn’t outnumber me already). But Maggie is different. She is technically savvy. She loves music. She loves pictures. She loves TV. At times she is a little temperamental, but she makes up for it by doing little things for me like recording my favorite shows and playing music that I want to hear. She doesn’t even mind if I watch sports…she’ll even show me replays. She is not much of a looker (unless you go for that silver, blue, black thing), but it is her mind that makes her so attractive. OK so I’ll admit, I have a little problem with naming material things.

Maggie is my HP Microsoft Media Center PC. And although sometimes I wish she was as stable as a Tivo (she has her days), she can do so much more. We needed to get a new computer at the beginning of the year and since it would be mostly used for pictures and videos of our family I started investigating the MCE. We didn’t really get it for its TV recording functions; that was just kind of a side benefit. Now how things have changed. The only problem is since she is not a Tivo I can’t say, “I Tivo’ed that show.” But maybe, “I Maggi'ed it” will catch on.

Sheryl and I have become fans of shows that normally we never would have watched. There is a show on BBC America called ‘Coupling’ (you may remember it from a brief stint on NBC), that we enjoy. And we are big fans of Extreme Makeover Home Edition. All shows that we probably wouldn’t watch without Maggie’s help. Also there are the shows you normally watch and now can watch at anytime. For example, I love the ‘West Wing’ and last night when Ainsley didn’t want to go to bed right away I would have missed the beginning. But with Maggie, I was almost happy to start watching it 30 minuets late….that way I could skip the commercials. It’s not that we watch more TV now; we just don’t waste our time watching bad TV or commercials. It’s amazing how we start watching (what would be) two hours of TV 40 min. late and finish at the same time. Not to mention we can burn the shows to DVD for later viewing or sharing.

Another side benefit is that you can play a slide show while you play music. This is a great way to enjoy your music and your pictures at the same time. It is like a music video set to your pictures. I set it to random play on the music then random play on the pictures and I get a chance to enjoy pictures that normally would sit in a shoe box or on a hard drive. In fact this was the main reason we ran a cable through the attic and to the downstairs TV. Now we can listen to music on Deckzilla (there is that naming problem again) or in the kitchen, and someone always comments on the pictures…”Oh, I remember that day” or “Look at how young Ainsley looked.”

Yep, you gotta love Maggie…I just can’t wait until College Football season. Then Sheryl might start to get jealous of her.


Maggie May 

Daddy Day Care

Daddy is in Charge wahooo!. 

Well Sheryl is away on business for the rest of the week, and when Mommy is gone…let’s just say that things get a little messier. I honestly don’t know how Sheryl does it. I mean not to brag, but I think I am a great Dad. I think Sheryl would agree, I do a great job of taking care of Ainsley and doing the things that need to be done like a bath, playing, feeding her and all that. The only problem is the shrapnel that is left over.

Let me explain: No matter who goes out of town, I don’t think there is any difference in the care the Ains gets. She east well, dresses well, no major bumps or scrapes and she even has a great time. The difference is that when I go out of town and Sheryl is in charge…not only is all of the above done, but somehow the laundry is done and the house cleaner when I get back. When she gets back…let’s just say that things are a little messier. Not that I can’t do that…it’s just when you though Ains into the mix I have to prioritize. The funny thing is, I always make fun of Sheryl’s inability to multi task (if she is doing something else and you ask her a question; you’d better have some time to kill before you get your answer). But obviously, her multi tasking skills are much better than mine.

Anyway, Ains and I had a good time. She ate fish sticks and we went for a wagon ride (we had to run back to avoid the rain). Then (as you can see in the picture) Ains did a little coloring before Bath time and Bed time.

That’s another thing that Sheryl does better…getting Ains to go to sleep. With Sheryl Ains reads a few books than ACTUALLY WANTS TO GO TO BED. I don’t know what I do different, but with me it’s always one more book then lets do the little piggies (she loves the “Weee Weee Weee all the way home,” part), then let’s point to our noses and on and on. Things have gotten even worse now the Ains is switching to a Big Bed…but I’m sure that will be a story for another time.

OBX

Well if you ever wondered what all those OBX stickers were, it's not OBnoXious it’s the Outer Banks. I am convinced that no locals have those stickers, just the tourists. This past weekend I took some clients fishing in Nag’s Head, NC and we had a grand time. We caught our share of fish, with Brandon bagging a Sailfish, that we released of course.

Ehlersism # 103

Technology can never Break Habits.

There I said it. I’ll never admit Technology can’t do anything, at least while I am still saving up to buy the next great toy (MP3 player, a new Pocket PC), however habits are different.

Case in point: last week I had to take my watch in to get it fixed (that’s another story about how my possessions are out to get me). So while they were figuring out what was wrong with my TAG, I went without a watch. Well as I sit at my desk there are about 5 different things that tell time: my cell phone, my cordless phone (yes it has a clock), my computer, Ike (my iPaq) a radio, not to mention an real life actual clock. But no matter what, I keep looking at my wrist to see the time…then muttering.

Case # 2, my old car (now Sheryl’s) has a digital compass in it. I can remember many incidents while navigating…”hmmm, I need to go North on this road…the sign just gives locations (I hate that)…well the sun is there, so I’m going West now.” You idiot, there is a compass right in front of you.

I hope this admission doesn’t effect my chances of getting any new Tech gear…or further upset the Gadget Gods (more on them later).